it's that time again... i also didn't publish it on time this year. again. at least i have an excuse this time though, since yesterday i was actually publishing a new song which you should go listen to :)

as per usual, i'm celebrating the anniversary of finishing my first ever full song, "jesus pizza", published on december 6th, 2020. as i've mentioned before, it's not good. in the past i've said "don't listen to it", but honestly, go ahead. even though i think a lot of my backlog is subpar, i keep it up for two reasons. 

firstly, it's just a visible marker of how far i've come. it's a reminder to me and to others that nothing good i've made has come from the result of any innate talent, but as a process of learning over hundreds, maybe even thousands of hours of trial and error.

secondly, you never know who will find joy in your oldest and most abysmal creations. about a year after i posted "where the macy's used to be", the second song i ever made, i got an unsolicited dm from a friend saying that he liked it a lot. i already didn't like it anymore, but the realization that someone actually did find value in those initial attempts has encouraged me to keep my older works up.

and on the subject of old... 5 years, huh? quite honestly, it feels like it's been way longer. when i look back on the previous year recaps, i'm like "damn, that was forever ago!" part of that is just because everything before 2022 is a weird distant alternate universe, but i've also just grown a lot since i started. what started as this fleeting burst of inspiration during covid is now a core part of my identity. music creation is one of my most developed skills, and has led me to some really cool places. i don't exactly have a large fanbase or anything, but i get recognized by people for my work sometimes! 

it's still a very foreign feeling to be a "music guy", especially in real life, where i didn't really mention it for like 2 years because i wasn't confident enough in my work. every compliment still kinda feels like an anomaly, even when i know i worked hard for it. there are still many times where i feel like a dork-ass poser, since the fact that i'm self-taught, don't really know theory, and am still just making stuff in my bedroom on the computer with no equipment makes me feel less legit. to anyone who also feels this way, let me just inform you: It Does Not Matter And No One Cares. even with absolute dogwater equipment, it's really hard to make something straight up bad once you have enough experience. fun fact about me: all of my music is made with cheap no-name amazon headphones! should i get better ones? probably! but the point is that we live in the future, where anyone can learn anything however they want, so the only way you're really a "poser" is if you generate your whole song using ai and pass it off as your own creation.

with that tangent in mind, that gets me to a point that has kind of underscored my whole year, which is that

I HAVE TO BE GENUINE OR I WILL DIE

i'm a pretty guarded person in general, but this whole "being creative" thing has really helped me to be more unabashed in my expression. you can't make something without putting at least a little bit of yourself in it. and, as it turns out, it's much more fun to put a lot of yourself in something. the undertale red & yellow soundtrack, my finale cover, and especially my latest song "bad aim" are all things that i really put my entire heart into. and you know what? it was so fun and rewarding and nobody even threw tomatoes at me!! in this age of ai slop cramming the internet tubes at mach speed, and where there are so many manipulative grifters who would sell the soul of everyone on the planet for a buck fifty, i can't help but feel compelled to let off some steam by caring about something in public.

luckily, i've been able to surround myself with people who are into the whole "caring" thing. i'd say "i have good fans", but that feels wrong, because i'm pretty sure nearly all of my "fans" are just my friends and/or mutuals. idk, maybe there's been some lurkers following me for the last 5 years who tune into every upload. if that's you, hi and also thanks! but it's really cool that i get to be in league with people who inspire me, and who i sometimes get to inspire as well. especially when i get to work with them!! some of the biggest highlights of these 5 years have been being able to work and talk with other creative people ~~who are usually way out of my league~~. even though all this is just a hobby for me, and probably always will be, getting to share it with others makes it feel like the most important thing in the world.

... oh yeah, isn't this supposed to be about what i actually made this year? well, i actually don't have a ton to comment on in that regard. this really was the year of the dinky little scrap. i made a lot of short little things and posted them on my bluesky. i think that did make a lot of difference in my full compositions though, since i feel like i got better really really quickly this year. favorite song: probably bad aim, but that might be recency bias, so my second favorite is ➡️➡️➡️➡️⬇️. i'm telling ya, every time i break out the kirby super star soundfont, the magic happens.

on the whole, it's been a long journey, but i'm really glad that i can make something that means something to someone somewhere. maybe in 2030, my recap will be about my platinum selling single! (that was a joke. ha ha. fat chance.) but thanks for listening for so long, it really is crazy that anything ever came of this hobby. and remember, kids: always be yourself, eat your vegetables, and it's not over until you're dead!